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So I met this chick and she told me that she was BI. I did not know she meant Bipolar!!!!
I have long accepted that I am a magnet for woman of the loony bird persuasion and I’ve spent countless hours of self discovery and therapy trying to figure out why. Finally, I realized that
I needed to start looking at the red flags, or in my case, the neon banners.
After sleepless nights with tempests like Bipolar Barbie, Manic Mary, Chronically Depressed Christine, Gold Digging Gloria, and a myriad of other mentally challenged sweeties, I have dedicated what’s left of my sanity to developing a fool proof method for spotting those neon banners.
On the very first date, find a way to get invited to your date’s house and then excuse yourself to the bathroom and quietly open the medicine cabinet. Read the pill bottle labels. If you see something called Halidol, tell Looney Lenore that your grandmother just called you and she fell and broke her hip, then run for the hills and I mean RUN.
If she calls you the next day to see how grandma is, tell her that you have found Jesus and your joining the peace corps and leaving for Zaire tomorrow then block her number.
Ok, now let’s say the chick has passed the medicine cabinet test but on the next date she mentions her ex a million times but claims they are just good friends. Please understand that this is lesbian speak for ‘we are really still in love with each other or we are in a custody battle over Snuffy, our beloved poodle who also hates men or we talk and text every minute of the day or when she gets drunk she calls and talks dirty to me or we have phone sex when we are both bored and I am really just going out with you to make her jealous.’
After a couple hours of her ex obsessing, start saying that you feel really dizzy, fumble through your pockets and exclaim with panic that you forgot your Tegretol and start faking a seizure. This way you don’t have to pay and you can blow her off with little regret.
Ok, so let’s say the chick passes the medicine cabinet test and does not blather on about her ex’s, then you should give her what I have coined the lobster test. On the very first date, take her to an expensive restaurant and tell her that she could order anything that she wants. Watch as she peruses the menu, foaming at the mouth with dollar signs in her eyes.
If she manages to hone in on the most expensive entry and orders it, NEVER DATE HER AGAIN. This is a great indication of how she will treat you going forward. After you shell out $400 for her lobster ala 28 karat ganache and your hamburger, call her the next day and tell her that you just noticed that you have developed a case of syphilis and that your schizophrenic aunt with homicidal tendencies is moving in with you. Then be sure to call block her number.
Just remember at the end of the day that stick and stones can break your bones but names will put you in therapy for many years.
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