If you ask the average person about “drama”, they will tell you they hate it.  “Too much drama”, “all that drama”, “drama queen”; these are expressions we hear all the time.  But ask that same average person to define drama and they will be at a loss. 

 “I know it when I see it”, is a response I get often when I ask.  Unfortunately, by the time you see it, it may be too late.  You run the risk of getting sucked into the vortex which is high drama as quickly as Dorothy got sucked away to Oz (now Oz was drama).  And then there’s the other side of it.  If you don’t actually know what drama is, how do you know you don’t generate it yourself?

Ok, I wouldn’t pose the question if I didn’t have an answer.  Greg Lester, a very smart and just as funny psychologist from Colorado, has a great definition.  Drama is any escalating, non-problem solving behavior.  It is brilliant in its simplicity.  Anyone can recognize drama.  The easiest to recognize examples come from the internet.  We all get those alarming e mails warning us of the dangers of XYZ soap.  Not only does XYZ soap contain bits of glass but it is made from manatee whiskers!  Danger!  Danger!  Send that e mail to everyone you love!  The minute you accept that e mail without question, the minute you click the “forward” tab, you have been sucked into drama.  Of course this is harmless drama (except for the manufacturers of XYZ soap).  It fulfills Dr. Lester’s definition because each click of the forward button escalates the alarm.  Since it is highly unlikely XYZ soap contains any glass or endangered species, it is the opposite of problem solving but rather its problem causing.     

When Lester talks about drama, he says that it falls into one of three categories that he calls degrees.  1st degree drama is the fairly harmless stuff that most of us get caught up in: spreading and listening to harmless gossip, passing on rumors that we might hear– in other words: dishing.  Yeah we all do it.  We say we hate it, but we actually only hate it when it’s about us, right?  2^nd degree drama starts to get serious.  Gossip that actually falsifies facts and can destroy reputations is 2^nd degree.  False rumors that cause people to take action that might hurt them (quit a job, confront a teacher or boss, beat someone up) also fall in this category.  Suicide threats or gestures, cutting your self, drug or alcohol misuse or abuse are all 2^nd degree drama stuff.  Cheating on your partner (if you have agreed to monogamy) falls here too.  3^rd degree drama is the worst: it may lead to death or other destructive consequences.  Drug or alcohol addiction, actual suicide attempts, promiscuous and unprotected sex all fall within this third category.  They qualify as drama because they escalate and they have absolutely no problem-solving potential.  They qualify as 3^rd degree because you may not get another chance!

So how can we deal with drama?  Well, the first step is recognizing when we ourselves create it.  If you see yourself in any of the above descriptions, you are on your way.  Recognizing that there is a problem is the first step in solving it!  I know: “easier said than done”.  But come on, admit it….didn’t you recognize yourself, at least a little?  1^st degree drama can be handled easily.  Delete that e mail, don’t forward it.  Think twice before spreading gossip (unless it’s really, really juicy, of course!).  2^nd and 3^rd degree dramas are harder to step out of.  If you are the principle actor in the drama, you will probably need someone’s help to de-escalate and problem-solve.  Find someone you trust, a counselor, relative, a shrink like me, your pastor.  This is what we do.  I spend my days helping to pull people out of their self-scripted dramas.  If you are the audience in a friend’s drama or a partner’s drama or your family’s drama, you have to step back and resist the temptation to get on stage with them.  You will be of no help except to further escalate the behaviors.  Help them problem-solve.  That may mean suggesting (or even insisting) that they get professional help.  They may get pissed, but it is the only way to de-escalate the drama.  Better a pissed off friend than a dead one, I always say!  I know it’s tough, but if you love someone you will do the right thing.

Dr. Jim Scott is a clinical psychologist and the Assistant Director of The Student Counseling Center at Barry University in Miami Shores. Dr. Scott’s Psyked Column appears regularly in GaySoFla Magazine.   Please submit all questions and correspondences to:  Jscott@mail.barry.edu.