In a statement released exclusively to GaySoFla.com, Christian Activist Betty Bowers has voiced her support for Amendment 2, the so-called Florida gay marriage ban.  In the statement Bowers, founder of the ex-gay ministry BASH (Baptist Are Saving Homosexuals) also expresses dismay at the decision of a FIU student group to invite the homophobic Phelps sisters to the state for a debate on the proposed constitutional amendment. 

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE

As America's Best Christian, I have devoted my life -- and your generous tithes -- to adding a glossy, coy sheen to the message that Jesus hates people who are not exactly like me in every respect.

I join Faith2Action in being appalled that those odious Phelps Sisters (not to be confused with the charmingly limber duo who juggled Fiesta® Ware while licking their own ankles on the Lawrence Welk show) have been invited to Florida to rant and froth about Amendment 2.  As a deliciously naughty Jesus is wont to remark, those gals are a pair of braying bumpkins no longer on speaking terms with mental health.  And, in contradistinction to me, Faith2Action, and Focus on the Family, et al., these dowdy gargoyles lack the sophistication to couch their livid distaste for others in a more careful, media-friendly manner. 

Trust me: It takes great skill and nimble logic to make a respectable career out of arguing that Jesus' dying wish was that we run about censoriously critiquing other people's harmless happinesses.  Frankly, these Phelps gals lack the focus-groups and marketing savvy to pull off such a dexterous theological slight of a well-manicured hand.  Coming out of their mouths, busybody intolerance sounds like, well, busybody intolerance.  They simply aren't cagey enough to market the destruction of civil rights as the preservation of civilization.

As founder of the world's most profitable ex-gay ministry BASH (Baptists Are Saving Homosexuals), I must support Amendment 2.  After all, anything that can denigrate and delegitimize the hobby of being a homosexual, can only lead to less gays feeling secure and happy and, therefore, more likely to tithe at one of my many BASH franchises!  (Look for my new BASH kiosk in Coral Gables!) Besides, since evangelical Christians have the highest divorce rates in the country (even higher than those dreadful Mary-Worshipers or hell bound atheists!); it behooves us to do everything possible to make sure that the gays don't show us up by having happy, long marriages!

But I think the Phelps sisters have clearly gone several steps too far in their zeal for ostracizing homosexuals from their lives.  One look at their bought-off-a-pegboard make-up, permed-over-a-kitchen-sink hair and unfortunate "House of Polygamist Compound" couture, it is clear that the one thing these gals need more than no gay marriages is a battalion of gay stylists!

So close to Jesus, I've seen the Polaroid of Fred that Drove the Phelps Sisters Crazy,

Mrs. Betty Bowers

America's Best Christian
www.bettybowers.com 

Betty Bowers, according to her web biography, is America’s Best Christian.  Bowers is the founder of Bringing Integrity To Christian Homemakers (B.I.T.C.H.), which is a bit like Concerned Women for America, only slightly less concerned and with better shoes.She also oversees America’s most successful Ex-Gay ministry (almost 2 saved souls out of over 150,000 dues-paying members — praise!) called BASH: Baptists Are Saving Homosexuals. She can be reached at betty@bettybowers.com .